Whoa! Wheelchairs, Whaddup?

Emily Croushore senior writer

It’s true. New wheelchairs are embracing the country due to complications in recent yoga classes. What? Yoga? Yes: as of today, sites such as Yatan-Ayur.com and many others have related yoga positions and postures to dangerous permanent deformities.

For example, the “warrior” positions have been found to be fatal, in part because of the flexibility required to perform such deadly feats. Many yoga-goers have found themselves awakening the morning after a yoga class but unable to put their legs straight-out, let alone walk or maneuver about normally. It is quite devastating, as one young, poor girl from the University of Pittsburgh put it.

“I used to be an avid yoga-goer. But the morning after a yoga class, I was stuck in an awkward, uncomfortable pretzel position and could not stretch my legs.”

This unfortunate student desired to remain anonymous.

The product of such terrible effects is the ever-expanding wheelchair market, which recently made its wares available in many department stores, including Wal-Mart and Target. These new wheel chairs are much wider to accommodate those burdened with the pretzel position.

Others have found themselves in similar “sticky” situations. Fortunately, the new wheel chair designers have thought of every possible situation. Now, they offer wheelchairs that curve along the back in order to benefit those stuck in the “child’s pose” position.

“It is sad to see such a relaxing position turn deadly,” says yoga-goer Zoe Alexander. Thankfully enough, Zoe has escaped the yoga damage safely. We give a silent thanks to the yoga-gods for her. (Moment of silence.)

Please, keep a look out for these unfortunate members of the yoga community who only wanted to be fit and healthy, but who are now burdened with the memory of yoga for the rest of their lives. It is no surprise to announce that most yoga businesses have gone out of business due to the recent fatalities. However, please note that many yoga instructors have moved this exercise strategy underground and have entered the black-market. A matter of this severity is not to be underestimated.

Yoga-deformities are only the beginning.