Sophia Taborski
staff writer
As the stress of primaries and unfair questions about his Tiffany bills begin to wear on Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, even his strong character and amazing husband-qualities may not be enough to preserve his marriage to Callista Bisek. Knowing that such a catch won’t be able to fight off the ladies for long, The Pittiful News offers a few tips for the future Mrs. Gingrich.
1. Embrace New Ideas.
Namely, open marriage. That’s one lesson Marianne Ginther learned the hard way. To avoid the fate of Michelin Man’s first wife, understand that as such a prominent and moral figure he needs to maximize his sexual pleasures, in order to maximize his ability to force ‘Our Father’ to be recited upon entering any government property. Keep in mind that the “open marriage” philosophy does not transcend to legalizing gay marriage, since such a prospect would unleash the wrath of God, who may confuse your dear hubby with Satan himself and smite him while He’s restoring order to the lost world.
2. Avoid Illness at All Costs.
As alluded to previously, Gingrich the Great deserves significant amounts of adoring female attention for his brilliant services to Freddie Mac (for millions of taxpayer dollars are obviously not enough). This much-merited attention requires a full-time commitment– Gingrich would never take a luxury vacation to Greece instead of tirelessly serving his country, so his wife should never let chemo get in the way of tirelessly serving Gingrich. After all, such a longstanding, faithful husband only deserves the same in return from his wife. Such petty excuses such as imminent death should never be placed above the needs of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
3. Be Young and Gorgeous.
Nothing is worse than those horribly mismatched, “Beauty and the Beast” couples seen meandering slimily about the streets or in the tabloid pages next to the surprising developments of chick flicks premiering on Valentine’s Day. Only a ten could match the sheer attractiveness Newt Skywalker exudes from every pore. And, after all, the wife of the President of the United States must be young and pretty, taking great care to avoid any embarrassments that may result in half of his staff resigning.
4. Be Good with Animals.
It’s no surprise that such a compassionate man who accepts all people regardless of race or sexual orientation has a soft spot for animals. Jabba the Hutt even dreamed of running a zoo as a young slugling, and today he has been photographed with lion cubs, elephants, boa constrictors, and pigs, who have graciously served as his doppelgängers to ensure Gingrich’s safety. With such a husband, any prospective wife must enjoy the company of animals, especially in accordance with Tip Number 1.
5. Enjoy Marshmallows.
Some women may be daunted or even revolted at the prospect of waking up every morning to be greeted by Newt’s nauseating noggin, but such females are clearly deranged. After all, what self-respecting woman could refuse such a smoldering physique and finely chiseled bone structure? The way to any man’s good graces is to stoke his ego, which is only too easy when the man in question has some of the hottest blubber south of the Arctic Circle.
6. Always Buy Him Front Seat Plane Tickets
Nothing is more offensive to Angry Little Attack Muffin than Bill Clinton, which is only to be expected considering the Lewinsky scandal and Gingrich’s record for upholding family values. But some may have forgotten yet another one of Bubba’s offenses: confining Gingrich the Great to the inhumane back of a plane. But no worries, as Newt reasonably resolved the obscene sin by shutting down the government. To prevent the resurfacing of those harsh memories, and any completely understandable reaction, just make sure our hero never has to undergo the horror of sitting in the back of a plane.
7. Pray.
Not because any woman lucky enough to land the lifetime version of Gloppy from Candyland would need any sort of divine intervention, but because faith is high on Newt Gingrich’s priorities, followed by family values and space travel. In that vein, it would behoove Mrs. Gingrich to shoot off a few thousand pleas for colonies on the moon, domestication of the Eewoks to prevent illegal immigration, and harvesting Tribbles for Gingrich’s baths. While prayer would be a great bonding tool for the man who has gone through as many religious affiliations as wives, it should be noted explicitly that it is not a necessary coping mechanism to endure a marriage with Newt Grossness.
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