28 January 2012
Whoa! Wheelchairs, Whaddup?
Emily Croushore
senior writer
It’s true. New wheelchairs are embracing the country due to complications in recent yoga classes. What? Yoga? Yes: as of today, sites such as Yatan-Ayur.com and many others have related yoga positions and postures to dangerous permanent deformities.
For example, the “warrior” positions have been found to be fatal, in part because of the flexibility required to perform such deadly feats. Many yoga-goers have found themselves awakening the morning after a yoga class but unable to put their legs straight-out, let alone walk or maneuver about normally. It is quite devastating, as one young, poor girl from the University of Pittsburgh put it.
“I used to be an avid yoga-goer. But the morning after a yoga class, I was stuck in an awkward, uncomfortable pretzel position and could not stretch my legs.”
This unfortunate student desired to remain anonymous.
The product of such terrible effects is the ever-expanding wheelchair market, which recently made its wares available in many department stores, including Wal-Mart and Target. These new wheel chairs are much wider to accommodate those burdened with the pretzel position.
Others have found themselves in similar “sticky” situations. Fortunately, the new wheel chair designers have thought of every possible situation. Now, they offer wheelchairs that curve along the back in order to benefit those stuck in the “child’s pose” position.
“It is sad to see such a relaxing position turn deadly,” says yoga-goer Zoe Alexander. Thankfully enough, Zoe has escaped the yoga damage safely. We give a silent thanks to the yoga-gods for her. (Moment of silence.)
Please, keep a look out for these unfortunate members of the yoga community who only wanted to be fit and healthy, but who are now burdened with the memory of yoga for the rest of their lives. It is no surprise to announce that most yoga businesses have gone out of business due to the recent fatalities. However, please note that many yoga instructors have moved this exercise strategy underground and have entered the black-market. A matter of this severity is not to be underestimated.
Yoga-deformities are only the beginning.
It’s true. New wheelchairs are embracing the country due to complications in recent yoga classes. What? Yoga? Yes: as of today, sites such as Yatan-Ayur.com and many others have related yoga positions and postures to dangerous permanent deformities.
For example, the “warrior” positions have been found to be fatal, in part because of the flexibility required to perform such deadly feats. Many yoga-goers have found themselves awakening the morning after a yoga class but unable to put their legs straight-out, let alone walk or maneuver about normally. It is quite devastating, as one young, poor girl from the University of Pittsburgh put it.
“I used to be an avid yoga-goer. But the morning after a yoga class, I was stuck in an awkward, uncomfortable pretzel position and could not stretch my legs.”
This unfortunate student desired to remain anonymous.
The product of such terrible effects is the ever-expanding wheelchair market, which recently made its wares available in many department stores, including Wal-Mart and Target. These new wheel chairs are much wider to accommodate those burdened with the pretzel position.
Others have found themselves in similar “sticky” situations. Fortunately, the new wheel chair designers have thought of every possible situation. Now, they offer wheelchairs that curve along the back in order to benefit those stuck in the “child’s pose” position.
“It is sad to see such a relaxing position turn deadly,” says yoga-goer Zoe Alexander. Thankfully enough, Zoe has escaped the yoga damage safely. We give a silent thanks to the yoga-gods for her. (Moment of silence.)
Please, keep a look out for these unfortunate members of the yoga community who only wanted to be fit and healthy, but who are now burdened with the memory of yoga for the rest of their lives. It is no surprise to announce that most yoga businesses have gone out of business due to the recent fatalities. However, please note that many yoga instructors have moved this exercise strategy underground and have entered the black-market. A matter of this severity is not to be underestimated.
Yoga-deformities are only the beginning.
Get Her to the Gingrich: Seven (Nonnegotiable) Tips to be Newt Gingich’s Wife
Sophia Taborski
staff writer
As the stress of primaries and unfair questions about his Tiffany bills begin to wear on Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, even his strong character and amazing husband-qualities may not be enough to preserve his marriage to Callista Bisek. Knowing that such a catch won’t be able to fight off the ladies for long, The Pittiful News offers a few tips for the future Mrs. Gingrich.
1. Embrace New Ideas.
Namely, open marriage. That’s one lesson Marianne Ginther learned the hard way. To avoid the fate of Michelin Man’s first wife, understand that as such a prominent and moral figure he needs to maximize his sexual pleasures, in order to maximize his ability to force ‘Our Father’ to be recited upon entering any government property. Keep in mind that the “open marriage” philosophy does not transcend to legalizing gay marriage, since such a prospect would unleash the wrath of God, who may confuse your dear hubby with Satan himself and smite him while He’s restoring order to the lost world.
2. Avoid Illness at All Costs.
As alluded to previously, Gingrich the Great deserves significant amounts of adoring female attention for his brilliant services to Freddie Mac (for millions of taxpayer dollars are obviously not enough). This much-merited attention requires a full-time commitment– Gingrich would never take a luxury vacation to Greece instead of tirelessly serving his country, so his wife should never let chemo get in the way of tirelessly serving Gingrich. After all, such a longstanding, faithful husband only deserves the same in return from his wife. Such petty excuses such as imminent death should never be placed above the needs of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
3. Be Young and Gorgeous.
Nothing is worse than those horribly mismatched, “Beauty and the Beast” couples seen meandering slimily about the streets or in the tabloid pages next to the surprising developments of chick flicks premiering on Valentine’s Day. Only a ten could match the sheer attractiveness Newt Skywalker exudes from every pore. And, after all, the wife of the President of the United States must be young and pretty, taking great care to avoid any embarrassments that may result in half of his staff resigning.
4. Be Good with Animals.
It’s no surprise that such a compassionate man who accepts all people regardless of race or sexual orientation has a soft spot for animals. Jabba the Hutt even dreamed of running a zoo as a young slugling, and today he has been photographed with lion cubs, elephants, boa constrictors, and pigs, who have graciously served as his doppelgängers to ensure Gingrich’s safety. With such a husband, any prospective wife must enjoy the company of animals, especially in accordance with Tip Number 1.
5. Enjoy Marshmallows.
Some women may be daunted or even revolted at the prospect of waking up every morning to be greeted by Newt’s nauseating noggin, but such females are clearly deranged. After all, what self-respecting woman could refuse such a smoldering physique and finely chiseled bone structure? The way to any man’s good graces is to stoke his ego, which is only too easy when the man in question has some of the hottest blubber south of the Arctic Circle.
6. Always Buy Him Front Seat Plane Tickets
Nothing is more offensive to Angry Little Attack Muffin than Bill Clinton, which is only to be expected considering the Lewinsky scandal and Gingrich’s record for upholding family values. But some may have forgotten yet another one of Bubba’s offenses: confining Gingrich the Great to the inhumane back of a plane. But no worries, as Newt reasonably resolved the obscene sin by shutting down the government. To prevent the resurfacing of those harsh memories, and any completely understandable reaction, just make sure our hero never has to undergo the horror of sitting in the back of a plane.
7. Pray.
Not because any woman lucky enough to land the lifetime version of Gloppy from Candyland would need any sort of divine intervention, but because faith is high on Newt Gingrich’s priorities, followed by family values and space travel. In that vein, it would behoove Mrs. Gingrich to shoot off a few thousand pleas for colonies on the moon, domestication of the Eewoks to prevent illegal immigration, and harvesting Tribbles for Gingrich’s baths. While prayer would be a great bonding tool for the man who has gone through as many religious affiliations as wives, it should be noted explicitly that it is not a necessary coping mechanism to endure a marriage with Newt Grossness.
staff writer
As the stress of primaries and unfair questions about his Tiffany bills begin to wear on Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, even his strong character and amazing husband-qualities may not be enough to preserve his marriage to Callista Bisek. Knowing that such a catch won’t be able to fight off the ladies for long, The Pittiful News offers a few tips for the future Mrs. Gingrich.
1. Embrace New Ideas.
Namely, open marriage. That’s one lesson Marianne Ginther learned the hard way. To avoid the fate of Michelin Man’s first wife, understand that as such a prominent and moral figure he needs to maximize his sexual pleasures, in order to maximize his ability to force ‘Our Father’ to be recited upon entering any government property. Keep in mind that the “open marriage” philosophy does not transcend to legalizing gay marriage, since such a prospect would unleash the wrath of God, who may confuse your dear hubby with Satan himself and smite him while He’s restoring order to the lost world.
2. Avoid Illness at All Costs.
As alluded to previously, Gingrich the Great deserves significant amounts of adoring female attention for his brilliant services to Freddie Mac (for millions of taxpayer dollars are obviously not enough). This much-merited attention requires a full-time commitment– Gingrich would never take a luxury vacation to Greece instead of tirelessly serving his country, so his wife should never let chemo get in the way of tirelessly serving Gingrich. After all, such a longstanding, faithful husband only deserves the same in return from his wife. Such petty excuses such as imminent death should never be placed above the needs of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
3. Be Young and Gorgeous.
Nothing is worse than those horribly mismatched, “Beauty and the Beast” couples seen meandering slimily about the streets or in the tabloid pages next to the surprising developments of chick flicks premiering on Valentine’s Day. Only a ten could match the sheer attractiveness Newt Skywalker exudes from every pore. And, after all, the wife of the President of the United States must be young and pretty, taking great care to avoid any embarrassments that may result in half of his staff resigning.
4. Be Good with Animals.
It’s no surprise that such a compassionate man who accepts all people regardless of race or sexual orientation has a soft spot for animals. Jabba the Hutt even dreamed of running a zoo as a young slugling, and today he has been photographed with lion cubs, elephants, boa constrictors, and pigs, who have graciously served as his doppelgängers to ensure Gingrich’s safety. With such a husband, any prospective wife must enjoy the company of animals, especially in accordance with Tip Number 1.
5. Enjoy Marshmallows.
Some women may be daunted or even revolted at the prospect of waking up every morning to be greeted by Newt’s nauseating noggin, but such females are clearly deranged. After all, what self-respecting woman could refuse such a smoldering physique and finely chiseled bone structure? The way to any man’s good graces is to stoke his ego, which is only too easy when the man in question has some of the hottest blubber south of the Arctic Circle.
6. Always Buy Him Front Seat Plane Tickets
Nothing is more offensive to Angry Little Attack Muffin than Bill Clinton, which is only to be expected considering the Lewinsky scandal and Gingrich’s record for upholding family values. But some may have forgotten yet another one of Bubba’s offenses: confining Gingrich the Great to the inhumane back of a plane. But no worries, as Newt reasonably resolved the obscene sin by shutting down the government. To prevent the resurfacing of those harsh memories, and any completely understandable reaction, just make sure our hero never has to undergo the horror of sitting in the back of a plane.
7. Pray.
Not because any woman lucky enough to land the lifetime version of Gloppy from Candyland would need any sort of divine intervention, but because faith is high on Newt Gingrich’s priorities, followed by family values and space travel. In that vein, it would behoove Mrs. Gingrich to shoot off a few thousand pleas for colonies on the moon, domestication of the Eewoks to prevent illegal immigration, and harvesting Tribbles for Gingrich’s baths. While prayer would be a great bonding tool for the man who has gone through as many religious affiliations as wives, it should be noted explicitly that it is not a necessary coping mechanism to endure a marriage with Newt Grossness.
Local Punk Collective Produces a Series of Lighthearted Greeting Cards
Kelsey Henke
Editor-In-Chief
A little known Pittsburgh organization is plotting to make a name for themselves in the coming month. The anarchist association, which goes by the name BloodSauceRage, has organized its first fundraiser of the group’s existence– a greeting card sale.
The handmade cards, crafted from local materials such as “chicken blood ink” and “tears of the weak,” are filled with bright designs and cheerful messages. One such card sends wishes for a successful future to a recent graduate; the inside reads: “Hope your transition into the soulless, fascist, white-bread eating, sitcom-watching, gingham and pinstripe machine of reality doesn’t destroy your will to live.” The genres of cards expand beyond the graduation territory, offering tidings for birthdays, weddings, pregnancy or first kills as well as a number of sympathy cards.
BloodSauceRage’s current leader Angry Andrew says he came up with the idea while he was committing a minor act of arson. He recollects the incident: “I had just begun starting the fire when I realized I haven’t gotten anything in the mail for quite some time. I realized in that moment how great it would be to create things that people could mail to each other. Death to the government.” His ambitions have been met with great excitement. After posting a few of the card designs on the BloodSauceRage webpage, the group received more than 300 preorder requests. Their most popular cards read “Get well. (inside: Or don’t. Satan Welcomes You.)” and “Happy 10th Birthday (inside: I hope it’s filled with disillusion, poison, darkness and terrifying reptiles.)”
Those interested in purchasing a greeting card can submit an order online at happyhellfirecards.com or wait for their debut at local Rite Aids later this month. All proceeds from the cards go to the organization’s initiative to destroy the capitalist system and towards buying more spikes for the group’s clothing.
Editor-In-Chief
A little known Pittsburgh organization is plotting to make a name for themselves in the coming month. The anarchist association, which goes by the name BloodSauceRage, has organized its first fundraiser of the group’s existence– a greeting card sale.
The handmade cards, crafted from local materials such as “chicken blood ink” and “tears of the weak,” are filled with bright designs and cheerful messages. One such card sends wishes for a successful future to a recent graduate; the inside reads: “Hope your transition into the soulless, fascist, white-bread eating, sitcom-watching, gingham and pinstripe machine of reality doesn’t destroy your will to live.” The genres of cards expand beyond the graduation territory, offering tidings for birthdays, weddings, pregnancy or first kills as well as a number of sympathy cards.
BloodSauceRage’s current leader Angry Andrew says he came up with the idea while he was committing a minor act of arson. He recollects the incident: “I had just begun starting the fire when I realized I haven’t gotten anything in the mail for quite some time. I realized in that moment how great it would be to create things that people could mail to each other. Death to the government.” His ambitions have been met with great excitement. After posting a few of the card designs on the BloodSauceRage webpage, the group received more than 300 preorder requests. Their most popular cards read “Get well. (inside: Or don’t. Satan Welcomes You.)” and “Happy 10th Birthday (inside: I hope it’s filled with disillusion, poison, darkness and terrifying reptiles.)”
Those interested in purchasing a greeting card can submit an order online at happyhellfirecards.com or wait for their debut at local Rite Aids later this month. All proceeds from the cards go to the organization’s initiative to destroy the capitalist system and towards buying more spikes for the group’s clothing.
Too Hipster to Be Hispter
Marcin Druzdel
Staff Writer
I know I’m not the only one who is disgusted by the massive surplus of gauged-ear square-glassed wannabe Victorian hippies in our stately college neighborhood. Even going out to drink in the Southside is depressing. The only kind of people that frequent Carson Street are the douche bag bros, their vapid arm candy, the train hoppers, and the hipsters. And nothing makes pretentious arrogance worse than contrasting it with the real arrogance of the alpha male.
The only thing that hipsters got right is irony. Like the irony of ironically breaking social conformity to become ironic in an ironically conformist way. I almost have to wonder if hipsterism is something that, like the Tea Party, is more astroturf than grassroots. It would not surprise me in the least if it was a concerted effort between businesses that sold square-framed glasses, crappy music, bad clothing, and coffee-based drinks whose names are best pronounced with a pretentious sneer. So my response? I feel I am too hipster to be hipster. Just hand me my coffee black, and iced so it’s cool enough to chug. I’m Asian, I can’t grow facial hair. But honestly that’s a good thing considering the three kinds of facial hair I see are the unkempt, the uniformly mowed, and the pretentiously groomed. You want obscure music? I listen to genres most of you haven’t even heard of, much less bands. I listen to metal that is not brutal for the sake of brutality. Most of it is Djent and non-scene kid metalcore, with some hardcore like old school Darkest Hour. Death metal honestly bored me after a few years. Ironically, the best place for me to find bands that haven’t “sold out” is on Facebook. These are bands like Orwell, which sold their CD in a handcrafted case that was sealed with a wax stamp, with a hand written thank you note when I bought it. Talk about old-school class. Fixed-gear bicycles are a terrible idea in a city this hilly, and as someone who has spent over $800 on a commuting bicycle from REI back home in Alaska, I felt that I had to get something even worse on large hills than a fixie. So I got a longboard, which I ride to dinner while I’m on break at work while wearing my work suit. And that opens up a whole new world of irony, because nothing throws people for a loop like someone wearing dress clothes or a tie while skating.
Framed glasses? How about not. My glasses have neither frames nor hinges, because those are just superfluous when we live in a society that has titanium for sale. I love petroleum, my less-than-sober longboarding antics would not be possible without plastic, rubber, and asphalt, but that doesn’t mean I want to wear more of it on my face than what is needed for my lenses. When I had lip rings, I did them myself with sterile needles I stole from the Army while training in California. But I got bored with them. Blatant nonconformism was not for me. I am my own person, whether or not I choose to look different on purpose. To me, the people that try too hard to go for the “different” look end up looking the same anyways.
Staff Writer
I know I’m not the only one who is disgusted by the massive surplus of gauged-ear square-glassed wannabe Victorian hippies in our stately college neighborhood. Even going out to drink in the Southside is depressing. The only kind of people that frequent Carson Street are the douche bag bros, their vapid arm candy, the train hoppers, and the hipsters. And nothing makes pretentious arrogance worse than contrasting it with the real arrogance of the alpha male.
The only thing that hipsters got right is irony. Like the irony of ironically breaking social conformity to become ironic in an ironically conformist way. I almost have to wonder if hipsterism is something that, like the Tea Party, is more astroturf than grassroots. It would not surprise me in the least if it was a concerted effort between businesses that sold square-framed glasses, crappy music, bad clothing, and coffee-based drinks whose names are best pronounced with a pretentious sneer. So my response? I feel I am too hipster to be hipster. Just hand me my coffee black, and iced so it’s cool enough to chug. I’m Asian, I can’t grow facial hair. But honestly that’s a good thing considering the three kinds of facial hair I see are the unkempt, the uniformly mowed, and the pretentiously groomed. You want obscure music? I listen to genres most of you haven’t even heard of, much less bands. I listen to metal that is not brutal for the sake of brutality. Most of it is Djent and non-scene kid metalcore, with some hardcore like old school Darkest Hour. Death metal honestly bored me after a few years. Ironically, the best place for me to find bands that haven’t “sold out” is on Facebook. These are bands like Orwell, which sold their CD in a handcrafted case that was sealed with a wax stamp, with a hand written thank you note when I bought it. Talk about old-school class. Fixed-gear bicycles are a terrible idea in a city this hilly, and as someone who has spent over $800 on a commuting bicycle from REI back home in Alaska, I felt that I had to get something even worse on large hills than a fixie. So I got a longboard, which I ride to dinner while I’m on break at work while wearing my work suit. And that opens up a whole new world of irony, because nothing throws people for a loop like someone wearing dress clothes or a tie while skating.
Framed glasses? How about not. My glasses have neither frames nor hinges, because those are just superfluous when we live in a society that has titanium for sale. I love petroleum, my less-than-sober longboarding antics would not be possible without plastic, rubber, and asphalt, but that doesn’t mean I want to wear more of it on my face than what is needed for my lenses. When I had lip rings, I did them myself with sterile needles I stole from the Army while training in California. But I got bored with them. Blatant nonconformism was not for me. I am my own person, whether or not I choose to look different on purpose. To me, the people that try too hard to go for the “different” look end up looking the same anyways.
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